Remembering Zeki
April 25, 2008 – 9:51 pmDear Family and Friends,
I would like to start by thanking all of you for your prayers, love, concern, sympathy and compassion as we are mourning the loss of Zeki. I’m sorry that it has taken me awhile to get my thoughts collected and have the strength to write an update. This past month has been overwhelming and filled with confusion and emotion. It was not until last week that I finally received some answers from the Lord on Zeki’s death. This is going to be a long e-mail. I have tried to shorten it, but there is just so much to say. (Sorry)
We had visitors for 22 days since the day after Zeki’s death and it gave me a reason not to face my feelings. I was so busy caught up with all the people, I felt the grief and sadness but I didn’t face the reality of his death. On April 22nd everyone left, including Jervis. He had to go back to Colorado to take his citizenship test. I wanted to go home so bad, I looked at tickets and they were $1,000, I knew there was no way that we could afford that. So I stayed home and the minute the bus pulled away with everyone in it, I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. All of a sudden all the questions and emotions that I had been feeling over the last three weeks came like a tsunami into my mind. I started to feel like the day Zeki died, sick to my stomach and like I couldn’t breath.
The next few days keep getting harder. Jervis was gone and he is such a source of strength and comfort for me. I had to face everything on my own, why would God leave me abandoned? I was angry at God for letting Zeki die, for leaving me alone and for letting me hurt so bad. Then I was angry at myself for being angry at God and I keep blaming myself for his death. There must have been something I could have done to prevent his death. I keep asking questions and felt like I wasn’t getting any answers, why couldn’t I hear God’s voice?
Finally one night Lori and Adam (members of our team) came to me and said they wanted to pray for me. I had been talking with them over the last couple of days and expressing my confusion, anger and guilt. They put some worship music on and began to pray over me. I had cried so much that day that I felt numb. There was a part of me that just wanted to tell them maybe another time, I just wanted to go to sleep. Then Adam said something “He thought of you Melissa, He thought of you before Zeki died.” I felt anger rise up inside of me, how could God think of me before Zeki died, how could he want me to hurt like this? I felt like I was screaming inside, screaming so loud that it hurt. I started asking why, why God, why did you take him from me? I loved him so much, why would you take him? Then came my answer…
I will have to take you back over the last month for you to understand the answer He gave me. For starters, after Zeki died we called the birth mother and had her come from Belize City to the funeral. She stayed with us for almost a week. Each morning she came with us to our morning devotions. Weeks before all of this when we went to court for the custody we had a few hours with her and told her about the Lord. She said she didn’t believe in all that. She didn’t believe there was a heaven or hell or anything about Jesus dying on the cross for her sins so that her sin didn’t keep her separated from a relationship with God. We spoke the truth and then left it at that. Anyway, back to morning devotions. On Friday the day before Zeki’s funeral, my Dad had told her during devotions “today is the day of your salvation.” She started to cry and we prayed together and she came to know the Lord as her personal savior that morning. Later my mom asked her if she understood what she did, she told her that all she knew was that we love her very much and she felt whole. This is a young girl that was forced to be married at sixteen to a man 10 years older then her that was an alcoholic; he abused her and cheated on her. A girl whose own mother told her she never wants to see her face again. A girl who has never seen love, who gave up her own children because she herself didn’t know how to love. We were overjoyed with her coming to know Christ, but unfortunately for me I soon forgot all that and the pain overtook my joy of her salvation.
So back to the answer, as I was crying out, God started showing me pieces of my answer. He told me that he did think of me, that it had to be Jervis and I that took this baby and loved it. That his mom would have never known His love had she not seen the love that we had for Zeki. We exposed her to something she had never seen in her life. She told me while she was with us that I loved her like she was my daughter, that I loved her more than her own mother did. I began to see that Zeki dying was not about my pain, it was not about me. I had looked at everything so selfishly. All I could think about was how bad I was hurting. I had forgotten that not only were we able to love Zeki with everything in us, we were able to love his mother. I remembered the day before Zeki died I had him laying on the bed and I was singing praise music with him. I took his hands and was clapping them and lifting them up to heaven saying “praise the Lord” He was smiling and laughing and was full of joy. The song said “God you’ve overtaken all of me I’m letting go so you can come and have your way in me”
I had been so tormented by the thoughts of Zeki dying and giving him CPR that I couldn’t see anything else. That night as they were praying for me and I was crying out, I saw a picture of Jesus coming into my room opening his arms to Zeki, taking him and Zeki was happy! I feel such a peace and my mind is not tormented anymore. I woke up that night but all I saw was Jesus.
I feel bad that it took me this long to take myself out of the picture. I now realize that I am merely a vessel. I am willing to allow the Lord to use me even when I don’t understand. I still wish that Zeki was here and that he didn’t have to die. But I know that God is sovereign and I am only a small piece of a very big puzzle. If he can use me to show His love to others, even if it causes me pain then I am willing.
We thank God for entrusting him to us and we pray his mission was fully accomplished. He was not ours to keep, but the cherished things God revealed to us thru his life and death belong to us forever
In Christ,
Melissa